I saw Dr. Lloyd last Thursday. My parents went with me so that we could get the "official" report on the PET/CT scan. He again said that the report showed no cancer activity at all and that I was completely clear. As I expected, he wants me to finish up the full six treatments so after seeing him I had the 5th infusion last Thursday. After the chemo is finished, he will want me to receive Herceptin  "indefinitely". Herceptin is not considered a chemotherapy drug but is still given intravenously every three weeks. I'm hoping that someday another delivery system will be developed (pill or shot). Anyway, I am feeling awesome and am grateful to be in remission.

I attended a "Cancer Wellness" retreat this past weekend. I was really looking forward to three days of rest, relaxation, and time to myself. I was not disappointed. My household can be somewhat chaotic and, with three school age kids, it's the very rare moment that I'm home alone and everything is quiet. There were 21 of us on retreat: 20 women and 1 man. Most women were in their 40s and 50s. I think the majority had had breast cancer. Many of the women were single mothers. We could all relate to each other's stories. We all came from different places and had different experiences prior to diagnosis but going through the cancer experience forges bonds that are difficult to articulate. Some of us were still in treatment, some had been out for a few years. Some wore wigs, some wore hats, some had hair. I found myself in a different emotional place than most of them. There was a lot of anger expressed, a lot of brokenness, a lot of grief, even for those who had finished treatment years ago. Cancer can really suck the joy out of someone's life. I found myself acting in the role of cheerleader or guide, saying "You can get past this, you don't have to go through life fearful all the time." Maybe that was my purpose in being there, aside from what I wanted to get out of the weekend for myself. One thing that I observed is that most people dealing with cancer try to be so strong in front of family and friends. They don't want pity or sympathy. The people closest to them haven't had this experience, though, and really can't understand what it's like so the patient holds the feelings inside which ferment and turn to anger and resentment. Weekends like this are good to offer a place to vent to people who know exactly what you're feeling. Getting it out is cleansing. Rehashing it and marinating in it just perpetuates it, in my mind, but it was good to see so many people able to release so much "stuff." I've been through my own journey during the past four years and found a book by Louise Hay, "You Can Heal Your Life" to be particularly helpful in helping me release all the garbage I've held on to. The weekend for me was not a time to vent but a time to be quiet and a time to connect to God without worrying about interruptions. It was a great weekend.

I was supposed to go to the infusion center last Friday for a Procrit shot but I forgot. I drove in first thing this morning and while I was there, ended up seeing Dr. Lloyd. He asked if he had called me with a report from my PET/CT scan. I said, "Yes, you did. Thank you." He said, "It was a VERY good report, Cheryl. All the areas that showed active cancer on your last scan are now inactive." I asked, "Does that mean that now I can technically say I'm in remission?" He said, "Yes." I told him, "I never expected anything less." He laughed and said, "I like your confidence."

I shed a few tears of gratitude in the car as I left the medical center. Not a bad way to start the week. Of course, he didn't say, "Let's forget the two other infusions I had planned for you."  I have one scheduled this Thursday.

I've held unwavering faith that this would come to pass. Is it a miracle? All of life is a miracle. I bless everything and everyone that has come into my life. Life is too short to waste energy thinking negative things about people or circumstances. Like attracts like. Negative energy creates more of itself. Positive energy creates more of itself. Love creates love. We are all connected. The things that irritate me or anger me in other people are the things I turn a blind eye to in myself. Life is a mirror. I don't know that I'd make all the same choices (in fact, I'm sure of a few instances where I definitely would choose differently) but I embrace it all and appreciate the place I am in right now. 

Phone message left yesterday at 2:29 pm

"Hi Cheryl. Dr. Lloyd calling. You had a very good report on your PET/CT scan so we'll discuss it at the time of your next visit but it was very favorable with marked improvement in all aspects of the cancer. So, congratulations on what's a very good report. Bye, bye."

Curiously, I didn't experience a "down day" after the last big infusion. Albert and I had a gig on Saturday night, March 3. I took a short nap late that afternoon but, otherwise, was fine. I was able to do my regular Sunday stuff. I received the Gemzar booster last Thursday, the 8th. No problems with that. Dr. Lloyd wants a PET scan now so I'll be doing that tomorrow. He has high expectations that things will be much improved over the scan I had in November. Early on in the treatment I was anxious to know of improvements. I wanted proof that things were "working". It's odd but now I'm not on pins and needles to know the results. I KNOW that things are better, I can feel the difference and mentally, I've come into a place where I believe in the truth of my healing.

In other news, the band is rehearsing, it's going very well. We've got some dates scheduled. I was able to squeeze in a little more recording time this weekend. We're anxiously awaiting news from UCSD as to whether Sara was accepted on not. We should hear within the next couple of weeks. She's already been accepted at UCR.

FINALLY, I'm back on track, treatment-wise. My numbers were all really good yesterday so they blasted me ;-)  The tumor markers last week were down again, this time they were 47. I'm getting pretty close to that normal range again (<35). I'm feeling good. Albert and I are singing tomorrow night and Saturday night (check the News/Schedule page for location/time info.) I only have one mass scheduled for Sunday. I'm going to try extra hard to make that one.

We celebrated Michael's Birthday on Tuesday night. He celebrated turning 21 by ordering a Root Beer Float. What a party guy! We had a nice time.