I saw Dr. Lloyd last Thursday. My parents went with me so that we could get the "official" report on the PET/CT scan. He again said that the report showed no cancer activity at all and that I was completely clear. As I expected, he wants me to finish up the full six treatments so after seeing him I had the 5th infusion last Thursday. After the chemo is finished, he will want me to receive Herceptin  "indefinitely". Herceptin is not considered a chemotherapy drug but is still given intravenously every three weeks. I'm hoping that someday another delivery system will be developed (pill or shot). Anyway, I am feeling awesome and am grateful to be in remission.

I attended a "Cancer Wellness" retreat this past weekend. I was really looking forward to three days of rest, relaxation, and time to myself. I was not disappointed. My household can be somewhat chaotic and, with three school age kids, it's the very rare moment that I'm home alone and everything is quiet. There were 21 of us on retreat: 20 women and 1 man. Most women were in their 40s and 50s. I think the majority had had breast cancer. Many of the women were single mothers. We could all relate to each other's stories. We all came from different places and had different experiences prior to diagnosis but going through the cancer experience forges bonds that are difficult to articulate. Some of us were still in treatment, some had been out for a few years. Some wore wigs, some wore hats, some had hair. I found myself in a different emotional place than most of them. There was a lot of anger expressed, a lot of brokenness, a lot of grief, even for those who had finished treatment years ago. Cancer can really suck the joy out of someone's life. I found myself acting in the role of cheerleader or guide, saying "You can get past this, you don't have to go through life fearful all the time." Maybe that was my purpose in being there, aside from what I wanted to get out of the weekend for myself. One thing that I observed is that most people dealing with cancer try to be so strong in front of family and friends. They don't want pity or sympathy. The people closest to them haven't had this experience, though, and really can't understand what it's like so the patient holds the feelings inside which ferment and turn to anger and resentment. Weekends like this are good to offer a place to vent to people who know exactly what you're feeling. Getting it out is cleansing. Rehashing it and marinating in it just perpetuates it, in my mind, but it was good to see so many people able to release so much "stuff." I've been through my own journey during the past four years and found a book by Louise Hay, "You Can Heal Your Life" to be particularly helpful in helping me release all the garbage I've held on to. The weekend for me was not a time to vent but a time to be quiet and a time to connect to God without worrying about interruptions. It was a great weekend.